The power of No.

What is the most common word for a two-year-old child, but one of the most difficult words for an adult to say out loud?

NO!

Here at Birthright Whanganui, we believe in the power of No, and we believe it is important for everyone to have permission to use this word whenever the answer is not Yes! It is sad how many adults we see struggling to set boundaries in their own lives, and how many parents think that saying No to our children is a bad thing.

For a lot of us, we have been conditioned to say Yes to requests from others, or at least attempt a polite decline so as not to hurt feelings. What many of us have found, however, is that this only creates a situation where you may start to form resentment towards others because you are tired, or just had other things you wanted to do. Sometimes politely refusing ends up being a resentful Yes, because the other person just keeps trying to convince you that you meant to say Yes.

For instance: A friend asks you to watch her children on the weekend. You had made plans and begin to express this to your friend, who then starts pleading with you because ... her plans are more important ... How often have we heard this one? (Countless!) The importance of saying No, especially in this instance. Sure, if your friend rarely asks for this, you could consider saying Yes. If this is a once-a-year opportunity, you might be inclined to say Yes. If there is compensation readily offered, and you know your friend is not taking advantage, then a Yes may be the likely response. However, if this is a frequent situation, you find yourself babysitting for your friend every second or third weekend, you might want to consider saying No. If you know your friend has no plans to compensate you financially, practically, or by returning the favour, I would suggest it's a No.

Why say No?

No is a great and powerful word. No means ... No. No does not need to be justified, it is an answer in and of itself. No is an adequate response to any request that you do not want to say Yes to. No is the opposite of Consent. No keeps you safe. No is your boundary.

People who love and respect you will respect when you say No. And just as they do, you will find there are people who will not respect your No, and these are the people who need to hear it the most. When we say no, we do not mean Ask Again in 5 Minutes. This is why it's super important to be teaching your children this all-powerful word, so they understand both sides of it.

Kids can say No too. Teach your children they are allowed to say no. Understandably there are times where you want your children to be ready for school, and they may try saying No. These are times when you need them to understand the other side of the No. No, they cannot stay at home today. If they say No to eating their vegetables, OK, but No, they cannot have ice-cream instead. If they say No to giving someone a hug, respect that. If they say No to having a haircut, you can respect that. Teach your kids the value of No, from both sides, and you are bringing a powerful being into the world.

No can mean, I Love You, too. No, you can't run out onto the road - I Love You, I don't want you to be hit by a car. No, you can't pat the strange dog - I love you, I don't want you to get bitten. No, you can't eat sugar all day - I Love you, I want you to be healthy.

Practice this in front of a mirror on a daily basis. No. No. No. Start off small, just an invitation to a function you don't really want to attend, then make your way up. Say No, get your power back, and see how good you feel! (Disclosure: You are always allowed to say Yes to the things you do want to do! This is an empowerment piece, designed to help the reader understand they have the ability to say No.)